my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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