oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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