Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
im having a threesome with these popsicles
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Randomize
