We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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