When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize