Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
