so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
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HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
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She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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