Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
