new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
