She is in my trunk
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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