I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
