I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I can text with my tongue
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
