he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
