I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
