I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
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You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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