Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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