dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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