please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
