My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
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