sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
