yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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