Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
