i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
