dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
