i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
