D3 body, D1 cock
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
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