It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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