im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize