Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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