My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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