I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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