Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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