I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
