My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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