Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
