remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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