if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
