i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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