At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
