I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
