I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
