I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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