her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.