using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.