I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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