Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
