I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
