apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
