So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
