i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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