that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
