There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
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