Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.