Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence