capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
