just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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