I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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