how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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