trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
